the secret i don't want to tell you.

disclaimer: The following poem was written before my GYN appointment -
in which I found out that I'm okay.

We flit in and out
and words pass between us and
the sharing of beers
is a frequent occasion.
And occasionally I consider
telling you
The secret I don't want to tell you.
But then your talk turns to
"gay men are bitchy"
and I don't think
I'm interested anymore
and actually I think I'll walk out the door
without saying goodbye.

And you will never know
about the lump in my breast.

leaving.

Autumn approaches.
Time of floating, swimming, tumbling leaves.
I watch as they fall away
one by one
until only a few are clasped tightly.
Held dear.
The questions once more arise-
Whether this sapling can weather
another winter?
To endure the pain of loss
and gain.
Again.
The mourning of what is irreclaimable.
The excruciating regeneration.

And why can't I be Evergreen?

or both.

Is your flower wilting?

Or is it just that my eyes are becoming dim?

they say no man is an island, but i think i just broke off and drifted into the ocean.

Thick skin.
Smooth and flawless.
Won't you crack and let me bleed?
Poreless.
Non-porous.
Is it safer to be dried-up and numb?
Or would I welcome
the sharp tip of a knife
slitting through these layers?
Splitting open.
The burst of this abscess.
And discharge of my choked-up tears.

rising.

This need bubbles up in my soul.
A feeling that months of hibernation
could not squelch.
A thirst that has not yet
been quenched.
An unextinquished flame.
I had thought.
For so long I had thought
that she had crushed me.
Crushed the small, quiet bloom
of my naivete.
A discarded idea.
A distorted image.
Turned inward on itself and
sleeping in the safety of the familiar.
How could I believe?
How could I have hoped that I?
I could awaken again?

dreams.

Like petals unfolding
their pale faces to the moon,
So my heart awakens.
Spreading out
to fill the dark night,
Reaching out
beyond the edges of consciousness
into Infinity...

loving you.

Loving you is like pulling teeth.
Perhaps only slightly more gentle...
quietly extracting the most precious of knowledge.

Loving you is a discovery-
A process, even...
pulling back the unremarkable, colorless husk
to discover the still, silent bud
that sleeps within.

Loving you is the violent shedding
of first impressions.
And the slow emergence of truth.

Loving you might be a little easier
if you would only pull back your drab curtains
and leave me stunned and blinking in the brightness that is you.

But perhaps the beauty in loving you...

is that it's not so easy.

for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.