I've had this realization... that I won't allow myself to be happy. I won't allow myself to love life anymore, because I'm too afraid of it fucking me over again.
Yes, I have been happier these past few weeks than I had been in a while... but at the same time, I know that I'm not allowing this feeling to really seep into me. I've put up this impervious barrier between me and the world. I don't want to get hurt again.
I know that happiness is temporal and pain is inevitable. I know that the more I have, the more it would hurt to lose it. But maybe allowing myself to fully feel even a few scattered moments of joy is better than closing myself off to it forever.
I love myself deeply, but how do I open myself up to the world?
I put so much of myself out there, but how much do I really allow in?
I need to have a love affair with life.
C'mon World, let's make looove.
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Think about it this way I guess - if life had never fucked you over, you wouldn't be where you are. Maybe something was meant to happen so that you could be happier in the end. I mean, sometimes you have to get fucked over and hurt to get to what will make you really happy.
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