this queer life.

Wow. Put two insanely queer people together in a room with a webcam, and what do you get? This Queer Life, a new series featuring my friend Myron and me. Okay, I just made up that name, but I actually don't know what to call this series. Ideas, anyone? I guess I'll just let the individual videos speak for themselves. Here's one, and we have more on youtube:



So, I love how I look like the ignorant fuck and Myron looks like the cultured gay man.

We probably won't make any more videos until the end of January, since we're about to go on Winter break. But we will post more... eventually. You can count on it.

i thought you was a man.

Wow. I saw this video on Arlan's blog, yourdailylesbianmoment.blogspot.com, and I knew I had to post it.



Tig is awesome. Visit her myspace at myspace.com/tignotaro

I was having coffee with a girl tonight, and we were talking about this very topic. I got my hair cut a few weeks ago, and later that day, a little girl was passing by me and I swear she said, "Excuse me, sir."

Yeah...

judge me.

I don't hate men.
I just can't seem to connect with (some of) them as strongly as I can with most women. I don't think this makes me unhealthy, so I don't want to be analyzed or judged because of it. I don't need your "help" or your supposed pity. You couldn't dry my tears. She did.
At the same time, I am confused, and I have a right to be. Life is fucking complicated.

Especially mine.

love you beeeeetter.

Aaagh, why do God-des & She have to have shows in Richmond and Norfolk when I'm home in Geooooorgiaaaaaaaa??? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

*considers taking a road trip on December 27th*

GAH, this video is SO HAWT. Yay lesbians.



In other news, kissing a guy for the first time in more than a year can feel even more queer than kissing a girl for the first time ever.
But queer in a good way. I just hope my family won't think I'm straight now. Educating them in queer issues is an ongoing process... so we'll just have to have another chat about it when I get home.

exhaustion.

I've done enough.

It's your turn now.

pushover.

Don't let me take advantage of you.
Because I will.
And give me some

space




please.
So I can crawl inside myself
to think.

Because I don't know if I can do this.

scary mary.

I've had too many serious blog entries lately.
I can't wait until Christmas break. Hopefully I'll be able to get my shit together while still being able to relax.

Anyway, enough about my life. This video is hilarious. (It kinda freaks me out a little bit, even though I've seen Mary Poppins about a billion times.)

an other half.

Sometimes it's better to confess something than let it fester in your heart... even if you don't get the reply you hoped for. And sometimes that reply gives you a different kind of hope that you never knew to expect.

Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.
~Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, A.D. 524

Love is weird. I wish I didn't need it so badly. I'd like to think that the love I get from family and friends and God and myself is enough, and sometimes it is, but eventually I want more.

I'd like to be completely independent before I give myself to someone else. I'd like to know myself fully and be happy with the person I am.

But love isn't logical...
And so as the seasons change I feel the old pull towards something that isn't even there...

growing old.

Which would you rather lose- your body or your mind?

words.

Sad movies almost never make me cry. At the most, my eyes may water, a tear or two may slide down my cheek, but I can't remember the last time I really sobbed over a movie.

Books, however, are different. I cry at the end of a good book whether it's happy or sad. The simplicity of words allows me to infuse my experiences into a completely different world. I get to put myself in the place of the heroine. I get to live her life. I get to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle. I get to feel the rush of relief when she gets what she only dreamed to hope for.

I just finished reading Fingersmith by Sarah Waters. I bawled at the end. I'm not even kidding. Her books are amazing and I've read all of them (and cried after finishing all of them) except her latest one, The Night Watch. It's at our library, so I might check it out and read it during Thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure if I want to wait to read it, though. It'll probably take her a while to come out with a new book, so perhaps I should let the taste of Fingersmith linger for a while longer before I devour her remaining novel.
I hope it doesn't take her very long to write another, although it's worth the wait if it's even half as good as her others.

And now for your viewing pleasure... scenes from Fingersmith set to music by Sia...

While I don't think I'll ever watch the movie (it would ruin the story for me), I have to admit this video is beautiful.

in my head. in my heart.

I'm going home on Tuesday for Thanksgiving.
8 hour drive.
I'm really worried about seeing my family. My grandfather has dementia or Alzheimers or whatever. I don't even really know anything about it because nobody will tell me. I think my parents don't want to worry me and my sister is too busy with med school to talk much. She's the only one who's really told me anything, though. My grandmother apparently looks like a skeleton she's so thin. She's lost her appetite because she can't taste food as well as she used to. My Oma and Opa got in a car accident and my Oma's back was hurt. She's been in a lot of pain lately.
I feel so isolated from everything that's been happening to my family... and I don't like it.
So why do I want to move even farther away next year?

I feel like the more independent I become, the more I learn to take care of myself, the more I forget how to care for others. I mean, I still have a lot of compassion and love, but sometimes I just want to escape. I don't want to have to deal with everyone's problems. It's self-preservation, I guess.
But it feels cruel.

And I want to be kind.

zwischenspiel.

Ach. I have been busy lately.
The play I'm costume designing for is opening on Thursday and I have a German test tomorrow that I've barely studied for.
Hopefully Thanksgiving won't be too stressful. It's hard being around too many family members, but maybe my sister and I will sneak out and have some fun.

Speaking of annoying family members...



I love "Aunt Susan". I want to be just like her when I grow up.

well at least you know he's alive.

I saw you today.
I was driving and I did that thing where I notice a guy because he walks like you. You always had a distinctive stride.
It was just two little dots at first, but then one had this swagger. And suddenly, there you were, strolling down the sidewalk with one of your two friends, head down because your shoes are friendlier than the world. You had a new haircut but wore an old, familiar shirt.
Why were you here? Why did you leave in the first place?

Did you worry you'd see me here? Were you afraid that we'd cross paths? Did your dread shove you deeper into yourself?

that's rice.

I've found another website to be addicted to.
But it's okay, because it's for a good cause!

freerice.com

My highest score so far is 43, I think.
Post yo score!

zeno.

I have a strange penchant for robots.
Plus, this one is extremely adorable:



David Hanson is kind of amazing. I want to have his robobabies (meaning I want to buy them and play with them).
You can see more of his creations on his website, including some realistic robot heads, which can be a bit creepy.

PS: This post is fucking nerdy. And that's okay.

i ain't got no shame.

I started reading a book yesterday. For fun. I've been doing a lot of that this semester, actually. I guess it's good for my brain, but it might be better to focus on other stuff right now... applications, for example.

It also might be good if I didn't spend my afternoons watching reality tv and trashy music videos.

Ah, but I can't help myself.

i can't see myself being a very good housewife.

I've been super busy lately, and when I'm not busy, I've been lazy as hell. This is pretty much a common theme in my life. The problem is that I haven't been working on what is actually really important for my future - grad school applications. It might be good to at least decide where I want to apply. It also might help if I let my professors know so they could write my recommendation letters.
I wish I was more sure of what I actually wanted to do with my life. Oh well.

I've been thinking a lot about what's been happening in the past year.
At first glance, I would say I've become a completely different person. But then I realize that maybe I've just finally begun to understand who I already was.
I think I underestimated the value of taking the time to get to know myself. I thought college was a waste of time. I felt like I was having no impact on the world... I wasn't helping anybody. But I think having this past year for myself was a more valuable experience than I could've imagined. I'll be a more productive member of society because at least I know who I am.

And I couldn't have done it if I had been in a relationship. Getting dumped by my fiancé last year was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Seriously. When I tell people I used to be engaged but it didn't work out, they always seem to pity me. Oh Caro, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. But I think I really needed that slap in the face to wake me up and get me going. Who knows if I ever would've discovered my sexuality otherwise. I don't even want to imagine what life would've been like I had married him. I can't see myself being a very good housewife.

Now I'm a free woman. The world is my oyster.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.

queeisure time.

What do I do in my queeisure time, you ask?
Why, I watch Tegan and Sara music videos, of course!
Nobody can rock the mullet like these ladies! *swoons*


Back in Your Head


The Con

pushing imaginary buttons.

At first I couldn't stand this video. Then I realized I couldn't stop watching it.




And then there's this gem...

Hey baby, wake up from your asleep. We have arrived onto the future, and the whole world is become...