reverse osmosis.

I've had this realization... that I won't allow myself to be happy. I won't allow myself to love life anymore, because I'm too afraid of it fucking me over again.

Yes, I have been happier these past few weeks than I had been in a while... but at the same time, I know that I'm not allowing this feeling to really seep into me. I've put up this impervious barrier between me and the world. I don't want to get hurt again.

I know that happiness is temporal and pain is inevitable. I know that the more I have, the more it would hurt to lose it. But maybe allowing myself to fully feel even a few scattered moments of joy is better than closing myself off to it forever.

I love myself deeply, but how do I open myself up to the world?
I put so much of myself out there, but how much do I really allow in?

I need to have a love affair with life.

C'mon World, let's make looove.

almost happy.

But almost happy is better than a hopeless state of melancholy, which I've managed to narrowly escape.

I haven't felt this way about anyone in more than a year. More than two years, actually, because there was nothing fresh about my dying relationship in 2006.


The pins are still in my toes for another week, but the staples have been removed.

And then I'll be able to dance again.
(Well, eventually.)

surgerization.

I'm feeling melancholy at the moment... excessively contemplative and far too idle.

I had surgery last Friday... to straighten two toes since they were becoming painful to walk on. They now have staples in them and pins going through the bones, sticking out the top with round, bright yellow, little plastic tips so they can be pulled out in 3 weeks. Oh joy.

So I've been sitting around and thinking, thinking, thinking...

A sympathetic lesbian brought me chocolate last night, though, so that was nice...
Chocolate is good.
Also, Lesbians.