Sometimes it's better to confess something than let it fester in your heart... even if you don't get the reply you hoped for. And sometimes that reply gives you a different kind of hope that you never knew to expect.
Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law. ~Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, A.D. 524
Love is weird. I wish I didn't need it so badly. I'd like to think that the love I get from family and friends and God and myself is enough, and sometimes it is, but eventually I want more.
I'd like to be completely independent before I give myself to someone else. I'd like to know myself fully and be happy with the person I am.
But love isn't logical... And so as the seasons change I feel the old pull towards something that isn't even there...
Sad movies almost never make me cry. At the most, my eyes may water, a tear or two may slide down my cheek, but I can't remember the last time I really sobbed over a movie.
Books, however, are different. I cry at the end of a good book whether it's happy or sad. The simplicity of words allows me to infuse my experiences into a completely different world. I get to put myself in the place of the heroine. I get to live her life. I get to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle. I get to feel the rush of relief when she gets what she only dreamed to hope for.
I just finished reading Fingersmith by Sarah Waters. I bawled at the end. I'm not even kidding. Her books are amazing and I've read all of them (and cried after finishing all of them) except her latest one, The Night Watch. It's at our library, so I might check it out and read it during Thanksgiving break. I'm not sure if I want to wait to read it, though. It'll probably take her a while to come out with a new book, so perhaps I should let the taste of Fingersmith linger for a while longer before I devour her remaining novel. I hope it doesn't take her very long to write another, although it's worth the wait if it's even half as good as her others.
And now for your viewing pleasure... scenes from Fingersmith set to music by Sia...
While I don't think I'll ever watch the movie (it would ruin the story for me), I have to admit this video is beautiful.
I'm going home on Tuesday for Thanksgiving. 8 hour drive. I'm really worried about seeing my family. My grandfather has dementia or Alzheimers or whatever. I don't even really know anything about it because nobody will tell me. I think my parents don't want to worry me and my sister is too busy with med school to talk much. She's the only one who's really told me anything, though. My grandmother apparently looks like a skeleton she's so thin. She's lost her appetite because she can't taste food as well as she used to. My Oma and Opa got in a car accident and my Oma's back was hurt. She's been in a lot of pain lately. I feel so isolated from everything that's been happening to my family... and I don't like it. So why do I want to move even farther away next year?
I feel like the more independent I become, the more I learn to take care of myself, the more I forget how to care for others. I mean, I still have a lot of compassion and love, but sometimes I just want to escape. I don't want to have to deal with everyone's problems. It's self-preservation, I guess. But it feels cruel.
Ach. I have been busy lately. The play I'm costume designing for is opening on Thursday and I have a German test tomorrow that I've barely studied for. Hopefully Thanksgiving won't be too stressful. It's hard being around too many family members, but maybe my sister and I will sneak out and have some fun.
Speaking of annoying family members...
I love "Aunt Susan". I want to be just like her when I grow up.
I saw you today. I was driving and I did that thing where I notice a guy because he walks like you. You always had a distinctive stride. It was just two little dots at first, but then one had this swagger. And suddenly, there you were, strolling down the sidewalk with one of your two friends, head down because your shoes are friendlier than the world. You had a new haircut but wore an old, familiar shirt. Why were you here? Why did you leave in the first place?
Did you worry you'd see me here? Were you afraid that we'd cross paths? Did your dread shove you deeper into yourself?
I have a strange penchant for robots. Plus, this one is extremely adorable:
David Hanson is kind of amazing. I want to have his robobabies (meaning I want to buy them and play with them). You can see more of his creations on his website, including some realistic robot heads, which can be a bit creepy.
I started reading a book yesterday. For fun. I've been doing a lot of that this semester, actually. I guess it's good for my brain, but it might be better to focus on other stuff right now... applications, for example.
It also might be good if I didn't spend my afternoons watching reality tv and trashy music videos.
