reverse osmosis.

I've had this realization... that I won't allow myself to be happy. I won't allow myself to love life anymore, because I'm too afraid of it fucking me over again.

Yes, I have been happier these past few weeks than I had been in a while... but at the same time, I know that I'm not allowing this feeling to really seep into me. I've put up this impervious barrier between me and the world. I don't want to get hurt again.

I know that happiness is temporal and pain is inevitable. I know that the more I have, the more it would hurt to lose it. But maybe allowing myself to fully feel even a few scattered moments of joy is better than closing myself off to it forever.

I love myself deeply, but how do I open myself up to the world?
I put so much of myself out there, but how much do I really allow in?

I need to have a love affair with life.

C'mon World, let's make looove.

almost happy.

But almost happy is better than a hopeless state of melancholy, which I've managed to narrowly escape.

I haven't felt this way about anyone in more than a year. More than two years, actually, because there was nothing fresh about my dying relationship in 2006.


The pins are still in my toes for another week, but the staples have been removed.

And then I'll be able to dance again.
(Well, eventually.)

surgerization.

I'm feeling melancholy at the moment... excessively contemplative and far too idle.

I had surgery last Friday... to straighten two toes since they were becoming painful to walk on. They now have staples in them and pins going through the bones, sticking out the top with round, bright yellow, little plastic tips so they can be pulled out in 3 weeks. Oh joy.

So I've been sitting around and thinking, thinking, thinking...

A sympathetic lesbian brought me chocolate last night, though, so that was nice...
Chocolate is good.
Also, Lesbians.

this queer life.

Wow. Put two insanely queer people together in a room with a webcam, and what do you get? This Queer Life, a new series featuring my friend Myron and me. Okay, I just made up that name, but I actually don't know what to call this series. Ideas, anyone? I guess I'll just let the individual videos speak for themselves. Here's one, and we have more on youtube:



So, I love how I look like the ignorant fuck and Myron looks like the cultured gay man.

We probably won't make any more videos until the end of January, since we're about to go on Winter break. But we will post more... eventually. You can count on it.

i thought you was a man.

Wow. I saw this video on Arlan's blog, yourdailylesbianmoment.blogspot.com, and I knew I had to post it.



Tig is awesome. Visit her myspace at myspace.com/tignotaro

I was having coffee with a girl tonight, and we were talking about this very topic. I got my hair cut a few weeks ago, and later that day, a little girl was passing by me and I swear she said, "Excuse me, sir."

Yeah...

judge me.

I don't hate men.
I just can't seem to connect with (some of) them as strongly as I can with most women. I don't think this makes me unhealthy, so I don't want to be analyzed or judged because of it. I don't need your "help" or your supposed pity. You couldn't dry my tears. She did.
At the same time, I am confused, and I have a right to be. Life is fucking complicated.

Especially mine.

love you beeeeetter.

Aaagh, why do God-des & She have to have shows in Richmond and Norfolk when I'm home in Geooooorgiaaaaaaaa??? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

*considers taking a road trip on December 27th*

GAH, this video is SO HAWT. Yay lesbians.



In other news, kissing a guy for the first time in more than a year can feel even more queer than kissing a girl for the first time ever.
But queer in a good way. I just hope my family won't think I'm straight now. Educating them in queer issues is an ongoing process... so we'll just have to have another chat about it when I get home.

exhaustion.

I've done enough.

It's your turn now.